Title me This
by denise1
Summary: A silly fic written around the challenge to use all the episode titles in a fic


Title Me This…

By

Denise

With a contented sigh Jack stretched out on his bedroll and looked out the tent at the red sky. For once he even understood Carter's explanation as to why it wasn't blue. No enigma there. He had to admit it was cool, if totally weird.

He peeked at his watch, 2001 earth time. Time for weary colonels to nap. A smile crossed his face as he listened to Daniel going off on a tangent, followed quickly by Carter. It was a chain reaction. Get one arguing and the other would just have to argue the other side. And Teal'c was out there to maintain the rules of engagement, keep it a fair game and not let it pass the point of no return. Namely no biting, kicking, shooting, spilling of secrets or dissing of family. Jack knew from experience it would be just a matter of time before Teal'c stepped in and kept them from becoming enemies, each adamant about their point of view. It was all in the line of duty and easy for a man whose previous job involved deadly politics.

Jack closed his eyes and tuned them out remembering the first commandment of command, don't micromanage or it'll drive you out of your mind.

Without totally realizing it he slipped into the place existing just beneath the surface of his consciousness, the place where past and present merge, where all sense of pretense is gone and the spirits have their window of opportunity to reveal an enemy within.

XXXXXXXXX

"Colonel!"

Jack jumped to his feet, awake in an instant, reaching unerringly for his rifle.

He dashed out of the tent and stopped dead at the sight before him. "Hathor! Daniel, what the hell are you doing?" he asked incredulously seeing the archaeologist offering the red headed nemesis a cup of coffee.

"Jack hi. Look who's here?" he said proudly showing off the supposedly dead goa'uld like a proud kid at show and tell.

"Yeah I see who's here. What is that…person doing here?" Jack demanded, not wanting to upset the demon while she had Daniel within the serpents grasp so to speak.

"She's not here to make us her prisoners or anything. She needs our help," Daniel explained calmly.

Sam sidled close to Jack, her rifle aimed unerringly at the pair. "Sir. I think he's under some kind of mind control, serpents venom or serpents song or something," she whispered.

Jack looked at his concerned 2IC. "What?"

"Umm…something like nishta or audio control," she explained, knowing full well he never read the memo and well used to her CO's high learning curve.

"Ok. Danny, stop acting like the tin man looking for your heart and come over here," Jack ordered, crooking his finger.

Daniel trudged away from Hathor, dragging his feet as though he was about to walk into the fire.

"Jack, if you would just let go of your maternal instinct you'd see we're about to break some new ground here. Hathor's willing to take us to Serpents Lair."

"Where?"

"Serpents Lair, her new ship. She says it's even bigger than Thor's Chariot. And she'll give it to us. We'll be the first ones to have it. Imaging it Jack. We'll have absolute power. This will be fantastic. Imagine the foothold we'll have, the upgrades we can make to our own technology but studying it," he said eagerly.

Jack sighed, seeing the all too familiar eager light in his friend's eyes. This was one of those dreaded shades of grey moments that were the bane of his existence. Where one false step would create a rift that would take forever and a day to mend and a legacy of sucking up for at least 100 days. "Daniel, for a prodigy you can be sorta dense. I mean I don't want to sound like a nox but you have to listen to me," Jack pled, knowing he was going to a place that there but for the grace of god he'd be lucky to get out of without leaving too much scorched earth behind. "There's no way in hell Seth's mommy here is going to just hand tech over."

"Jack, Jack, Jack. I know we've often gotten along like fire and water but you're going to have to have a little emancipation from your skepticism here. I know your paranoia threshold is a little low but don't go grabbing your deadman's switch and order an exodus home."

Teal'c watched the argument with an anxiously bemused eye feeling like a gamekeeper in a game with life or death stakes. Finding Hathor here had been like finding a message in a bottle, a potentially disastrous message. SG-1 was at a crossroads, and reaching the summit of a building mountain of discontent that could divide and conquer them.

As they argued, junior roiled in his pouch, the fifth man making his discontent known.

Just as Teal'c fingered his zat, ready to stun the combatants into submission, Sam stepped forward, placing herself between the double jeopardy of two hormonally charged men. "You two stop it before I get Thor's hammer and knock some sense into you," she yelled. "This whole enslave the men may be some rite of passage for you…you entity from hell, but you're going to be stiff and cold as Lazarus before I'm going to let either of these guys of off on holiday with you," she yelled at a bored Hathor.

"My dear, there is no need to moan and groan like some pathetic beast of burden. I am merely offering my aid to help you become the fifth race," she said smoothly, blowing on her nails.

"Yeah right. Maybe the fifth race you've enslaved this week. Why don't you just crawl back into your tomb or I'll call the tok'ra and see if they'd like to introduce you to the torment of Tantalus or maybe a nice broca divide," Sam suggested, snapping a small branch in two with a vicious twist. She bit back a grin as the snake twitched. The small victories made it all worthwhile.

"All I want to do is aid your ascension into the power that is rightfully yours," Hathor crooned.

"I don't need to use Jolinar's memories to know you're a curse and urgo that means that you should be locked up, in solitude if I had my way. Or maybe through that Watergate we found. How long can you hold your breath Red?" Sam asked, cocking her rifle.

Seeing that she was in danger Hathor made a gesture and Daniel and Jack burst into action, like a cheap brief candle.

Teal'c saw them descend upon Sam and knew it was time for desperate measures. This…hataka would get no cor-ai. He should never have trusted her. She was born bad, it was in her bloodlines.

In one smooth movement he zatted Daniel and Jack. "I would suggest you touchstone," he said, motioning at the wall behind her with his zat. She frumped then did as he bid.

"Major Carter, do you remember the address to the planet being devoured by the singularity?" he asked, a malicious gleam in his eyes.

Sam smiled broadly and skipped to the DHD. She entered the glyphs and the wormhole opened with a flourish. "Foolish humans, you are the children of the gods. You could have had it all," Hathor whined as Teal'c herded her forward with his staff weapon.

"Call me boring but I prefer the devil you know as opposed to the snake in the grass," Sam said, giving Hathor a shove through the gate.

It snapped shut and Sam looked at Teal'c, then the two stirring figures on the ground. Hurrying to Jack's side Sam dug in his pockets and pulled out a wad of bills.

"Major Carter, what are you doing?"

"He stiffed me on the pizza last night," Sam explained, counting the money. "19.69. He owes me 20. Close enough," she said, stuffing the money into her pocket as they woke up.

Daniel sat up, holding his head. "Man the way my ears are ringing I feel like I have a crystal skull," he complained.

Jack also sat up, holding his head as if he was afraid it'd fall off. "The sooner we get home the sooner we can get some drugs. Carter dial us home please."

Sam obediently dialed the gate and again the wormhole opened with a flourish.

"Ya know they should put in a roller coaster. Call it the wormhole. X-treme sports and all that," Jack said, crossing the event horizon.

XXXXXXXXX

The sound of the tent flap opening woke Jack up with a start, one hand going for his gun.

"It's just me," Daniel said, plopping down on his bedroll.

Jack eyed the tent suspiciously, and then realized he'd been dreaming. He glanced at his watch. 2010. That's it? He'd only been asleep nine minutes. Oy vey. It was going to be a loooonnnnggg night.

Fin


End file.
